Nothing to worry about but there have been clouds looming over Scarecrow Cottage for the last few months: not black or even dark grey ones, but definitely clouds. The sort of clouds that hang on the horizon and that at some point in time not of our choosing, we would have to deal with.
Cloud One
The first cloud didn’t even look like a cloud when it arrived a couple of years ago in the shape of a newcomer to the village who took to leaning on our field fence while they smoked a cigarette. Heledd the goat showed some interest initially but it was short lived once she realised that they didn’t have bread or fruit to offer her. Prince Arthur (one of Heledd’s two sheep companions) wasn’t bothered either but that’s because he lives in a different reality which mostly entails staring into space. Leroy was different. Whenever he saw the smoker approach he would amble over and gaze lovingly up at the visitor. It was only when Annie happened to be in the field one day at the same time that she realised the cigarette in question was not of the nicotine variety and Leroy was actually inhaling – deeply – which explained his increasingly laidback attitude to life. This, however, wasn’t the cloud. The cloud was that when the smoker left the village for pastures new, it turned out that they had used our address instead of their own. We started getting bills that maybe they should have paid and letters from the taxman that perhaps they should have replied to. We did what most people in the world would, writing “Not Known At This Address – Return To Sender” and popping the offending envelope back in the postbox.
Cloud Two
Last summer Annie was an innocent bystander at an incident which led to the involvement of someone else’s insurance company. If you’ve ever had the misfortune to deal with an insurance company you’ll know that speed and sensitivity are often left out of their approach. In this case the said insurance company thought that Annie’s insurance company should join the party simply because she’d been present. As messages from the original insurance company began to range from rude to intimidating to aggressive, there’s no doubt that if the smoker of the first cloud was still around, Annie would probably have joined Leroy in the field and also started inhaling deeply.
Cloud Three
A few months ago Storm Darragh ripped through the aged polythene on our polytunnel. After a lot of soul searching and money box emptying we ordered supplies and booked a man to do the recovering. It turns out that recovering polytunnels is a very skilled job and waiting lists are long. Still we got ourselves on one. The first three appointments were cancelled – mostly because of a Land Rover that billowed black smoke every time it got near the M4. The other thing about polytunnels is that there are more of them in the country than people who can recover them. We would simply have to wait for the Land Rover to be repaired or replaced because there wasn’t an alternative man available.
Wednesday
Clouds 1 and 2 seem to be in abeyance. As for Cloud 3 we receive a message from polytunnel man to say he is borrowing a van and will arrive on Friday. My diary says that I am leaving on Thursday because I am due to be at a conference in Aberystwyth on Friday. Annie says she is more than capable of making bacon sandwiches for polytunnel man and I should stick to my arrangements.
Thursday
I drive off at about 10am and start hearing text message pings from my phone within 15 minutes. By this time however I am on the motorway so it’s past midday when I park in Narberth – where I have gone especially to visit the castle before the conference – and start to read them.
Text 1 – Annie to me:
Nothing to worry about but we’ve had a letter from a firm of debt collectors. They say thanks for returning the final demands but they will be sending bailiffs to our house and we will need to prove to them that we are who we say we are, that we own Scarecrow Cottage and give them evidence that we’ve been living here for more than 6 months (shocked emoji).
Me to Annie:
DON’T LEAVE THE HOUSE UNLOCKED, LET ANYONE IN OR GIVE THEM ANY INFORMATION.
Text 2 – Annie to me:
Nothing to worry about but I’ve had email from the other insurance company. They say if I don’t make my insurance company get in touch with them they will take me to court (head exploding emoji).
Me to Annie:
DON’T ANSWER THE EMAIL.
Text 3 – Annie to me:
Nothing to worry about but there’s been a text from polytunnel man to say recovering is a two man job but his mate is off sick so he’ll bring his 11 year old son instead. Is that against the law? (hysterical laughing emoji).
Me to Annie:
DON’T CARE – JUST DON’T LET HIM CANCEL.
I send a message to Aberystwyth to tell them I won’t be at the conference, forget about visiting the castle and turn the car around to head home.
Friday
In the end there was nothing to worry about. The man who owns the house the smoker rented took the bailiff’s letter and said he’d deal with it along with all the others he had. Once Annie’s insurance company answered their phone the threat of court proceedings turned out to be just that – a threat. The polytunnel man’s mate recovered so no-one had to worry about contravening child labour legislation and after 6 hours, we had a polytunnel that should last another few years.
Epilogue
Annie says she is not stressed by the cloud goings on and to prove it she rings a company to find out about grant funding for house insulation. The lady who answers the phone asks Annie her name and Annie shouts in reply “I haven’t got time to answer questions like that!” and hangs up.